I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
