How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
