my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
