i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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