Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
