Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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