Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
