My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
