Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
