I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
