She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
