If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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