did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
