Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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