my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
