LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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