Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
