She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize