Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
