Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
