If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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