You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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