I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
