Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
