i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
