you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
