why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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