can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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