made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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