Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think my moral compass just broke
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