I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
