i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
