Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize