So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
