Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
