I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
