I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
