Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need to align my fucking chakras
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
