Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
