I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
