PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
