If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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