I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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