I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
