i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
