Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
