My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
