I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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