I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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