she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize