I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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