Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
