At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
