i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In America we eat man semen.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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