it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
