I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The beer is more important than you right now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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