I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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