Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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