i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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