I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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