I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
