My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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